One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs