I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
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I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.