Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played