We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
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ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Today’s Times
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.