Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
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i love meeting boys on tinder
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks