If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building