[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?