Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?