Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.