Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
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I think my husband is beginning to suspect
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats