Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
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Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!