It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.