“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
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Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.