I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
wtf management?!
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt