When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”