*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.