I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
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Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Life hack
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.