FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.