[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
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accurate
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.