*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
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[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms