in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
You Might Also Like
thanks auntie mary
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
adam and eve had first world problems
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday