“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?