If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Every time my phone rings
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.