I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.