[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that鈥檚 very accurate. Give me your toy. I鈥檒l fix it.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can鈥檛 see myself getting married again.
Thoughts and Prayers aren鈥檛 working, it鈥檚 time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Sometimes, when I鈥檓 washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: I don鈥檛 remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you鈥檙e watching a documentary about warthogs
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
boss: you鈥檝e been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 馃檪
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Friend: [handing me baby] Here鈥檚 the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple鈥攐h my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I guess I shouldn鈥檛 have had 3 cookies… Now, I鈥檓 being judged.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.