When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
You Might Also Like
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
never deleting this app.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*