[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
this is funnier than any friends episode
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.