It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site