Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*