[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Is….Is this an option?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.