PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN