an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
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Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.