Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.