Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey