What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You Might Also Like
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.