Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I unironically love this joke.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.