duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.