(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
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Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”