SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
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In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
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Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
January is lasting longer than my marriage
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Beauty and the Beast
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too