If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Festive toon…
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.