I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
how high up are we talkin’?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.