Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
You Might Also Like
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer