We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
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Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Grandmother clock.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.