Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me