Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Someone just threatened to call me later
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay