11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
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I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.