My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
You Might Also Like
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.