I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.