[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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the Monday after daylight savings
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
tell em, edith-anne
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug