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Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
#inspiration #foodforthought
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!